1977

Does anyone really know what they are doing? Does anyone have a life plan that seems to be totally predictable and fulfilling at the same time? If you do please call me and tell me how you came to this conclusion. Oh I'm not saying that it cannot be done but it is amazing to me that things have not proceeded in my life as I thought they would. Things seemed simpler (sometimes even better) in 1977, I was 5 then. You see I used to think that as I got older I would accumulate vast amounts of knowledge, gain indepth relational isinght, and traverse the unsearchable wisdom that comes from maturity. I'm 34 now certainly not old (at least I don't feel old). I could be at middle age I guess or even past it for that matter, I guess I won't really know until I die, when middle age is for me. I know this may be a little disconcerting to many of you out there who live in such supreme confidence in the world around you. I guess as I watch the world and observe and live I realize everyday even more than the last that I cannot really predict anything or hold anything too tightly. My son turns 5 years old tomorrow, I think he turned 1 yesterday, it sure feels that way. As I look at him and think about the things I want to say to him and want him to live out in his life my mind does not turn to finances, social skills, or even morality, though all of those things are certainly important. No, I believe if I could simply transfer something from me to him and know for sure that he would get it I think it would be to forget about figuring it all out, you can't. Don't spend your days trying to lay out your future and make it what you want it to be. First of all control and predictability is an illusion or at best relative. And not only that how do you know that if you were in control the outcome would be all together better than if someone else was in control? I think I am beginning to understand that the road less traveled is a little scary and uncertain that is why it is less traveled. But it holds treasures unkown to those on the other roads. Dive, run, explore, yell, jump, fly and do not allow the volume of your 5 year old heart to be turned down so as not to offend or stir those on the other road, I am in the process of trying to turn mine back up again, back to the level it was in 1977.

Letter to Myself

Last week I jumped on the national band wagon and saw the new Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves movie "The Lake House." My wife and I needed a night away from the kids and I have to say the movie did live up to the hype. Half chic flick half mystery, it really was a good movie. And it did what I value most in a movie and that is get me thinking. The basic premise of the movie is that these two people are in love yet somehow they are living two years apart. I cannot explain how this happens and the movie does not attempt to, the lovely suspension of belief that allows us to accept realities otherwise not possible if not for being in our imagination. But if I could write a letter to myself who was two years ago I wonder what I would say...Would that letter be any different than the letter I would write to myself who may be two years from now? I would hope that if I had the chance to speak back in time I would have more to say than simple cliches and information about the future. Love the family more and put your money on the White Sox in 06 may be useful but I think there is more to be said than that. I think my letter in it's simplest form may simply say something to the effect of, 'don't forget that one day you will not be where you are now, but the way you live there will affect how you live here. The moment you are in right now is circumstantially gone but it still exists in your soul. Your heart and soul is perfect record of everything you do and how you live. So please take a moment and consider that what you are doing right now is affecting me still today.

break neck speed

My prayer these past couple of nights with the kids is that God would just give us hearts that are calm. Not sure if you know what I am talking about but there is just that feeling that nothing is settled. It's like driving down the road with the windows open. Sure the air feels great on your face but the wind is about blow absolutely everything in the car out the window. Break neck speed is great to talk about, break neck speed is cool, it's edgy, it will also...break your neck and wreck your emotional shell if you allow it to go on too long without a...break. I don't mean a vacation or just a few hours alone, although they help and certainly can alleviate the pressure to some extent. I am talking about real deep and soul refreshing rest. The kind of active rest that can stand ritght in the midst of the chaos and be completely detacthed from it. The wind and fire swirl all around and yet in the midst you are cool and still. This is really not a circumstance because circumstances are relative. A night out at Sullivan's or a day at the spa may be totally relaxing, unless you're poor and it takes you a months pay to do it. A night out at the House of Blues listening to local jazz bands may bring down your level of stress, unless you wind up next to a group that's had a few too many. Circumstances are relative. This rest is not.It's more than a state of mind. My mind is capable of quite alot, though some say it's used for very little. My mind can convince me of anything I want but even worse my mind is extremely prone to distraction and even on occasion known to be wrong. If I quiet my mind only, I have nothing to anchor myself in, in order to come to a level of soul refreshing rest I must first let go of myself and then to sustain it I must allow myself to be filled up with something greater than myself. The only way I now to attain and sustain soul refreshing rest is to allow my heart to be cleansed, repaired, and restored. The break neck pace my life seems to gravitate toward is not going to go away, it's just not going to be the one in control.

rejection resolution

Ever felt like you just did not belong somewhere? This may seem like a redundant question because the reality is that everyone of us has felt that way at some time or another. You know that feeling like you are completely alone in a room full of people or even amongst people you know and who know you but who just don't "get" you. To feel like you just don't connect with a certain group of people is normal and even ok. Once you understand who you are and what God has in mind for you and your life you learn to deal with not pleasing everyone or even being understood by everyone or thinking you have to take on everyone else's cause as your own. Such is life and the mature ones learn to move on, but the feeling of rejection or exclusion takes it to another level and is one that no one is immune to. I felt that sting just the other day and it reminded me how much people need to feel like they belong somewhere and to somebody. I guess God puts pain drops into our lives so we can remember where most people live. The rejection I experienced was tough and it hurt me but I think I can see it's redemptive value. There are people all over who feel the sting of rejection, that emotional assault that says "you don't belong here" and not for anything you have done, just because of who you are. One of the most basic needs of every human heart is security. Therefore I resolve to live my life so that everyone who comes in contact with me feels safe. I want to leave a welcome mat out in front of my life that says what's mine is yours and "you belong here."